Nagoya Writes

May 19, 2008

Desperado by Roy Hernandez

Filed under: Hernandez,Issue: 2008,Poetry — usbengoshi @ 12:51 pm

What dis card cheatting you sum bitch?”

“It ain’t no card cheating Bo!”

“Why everytimes we come here to da Wild Oats Saloon in Tombstone, Bo ya..”

“Coz he a dumb sum bitch can’t understand dat dis game is about Patterns and..”

“Yeah! Ya see for da umteenth time Bo we lay it out fer you da understand.”

“Good-evening gentleman! May I introduce myself and my dear friend. My name is Wyatt Earp and this is my dear friend Doc Holladay and of course over there by the saloon door just watching people as they go about their daily business is my brother Nicholis Earp and Bat Masterson. I just kinda overheard that y’all were having a problem explaining to Bo that card playing is about patterns. Well, what do you think Doc?” Said Wyatt Earp to Doc Holladay as he lit up a cigar.

“Well, Wyatt! This here is what we all, the learned and the ignorant call Poker. Of course it is a card game and yes, one might say it’s all about patterns, but, above patterns it’s about honesty. If you do not have the heart of honesty then the other fellow might shoot you dead for cheatting and of couse we don’t want any of that in Tombstone. No Sir, Poker involves more than just patterns or suits as I would prefer to call them. It really involves a great deal of concentration and skill to beat your opponent or opponents as the case may be here. So, may I have the pleasure to join you men in a game of Poker, and so that Bo there can learn the card game. I suggest that because money and bets being the high factor to tension on who is cheatting and who is not, so that no man get so furious and draw his hidden pistola or Injun knife and kill or wound another man over a game of cards. I propose that I and Mr. Earp sit down with you gentleman and play Poker with you gents with no bets till the sun goes down till you all men learn to play this card game with a bit of concentration and some degree of skill and above all keep the temper down and mellow out and enjoy a game of Poker with honesty in your heart. After all it is just a game and no body wants to see a dead man again here in Tombstone!” Doc Holladay said nicely but firm.

“I couldn’t disagree with you any less Doc. That was a mighty fine way of putting the rules all down on that game of patterns, heart of honesty and no cheatting but using concentration and skill to win over one or more opponents and yes the factor of bets with money raises tensions with men so a card cheatter is killed by another man in a rage for card cheatting. I say it’s hardly worth the price of playing Poker don’t you agree Doc?” Wyatt Earp looked at Doc Holladay.

“Absolutely Wyatt. A card game is to be enjoyed and not….”

“That means, if you men have not seen the sign as you entered Tombstone that no guns, rifles, knives or other weapons are allowed inside of Tombstone. If you are passing through or staying in Tombstone for awhile you had better obey the law of Tombstone and turn in your guns and other weapons into the sherriffs office till you leave Tombstone. So before the rules of the card game of Poker is the rule of no weapons in Tombstone. Is that understood? So if you get drunk and have a misunderstanding about who cheatted who, you both can go out into the street and brawl it out. That I don,t mine if it,s an honest fair man to man fight. It kinda eases your tension the next day when you look at your face in the morning mirror when your head clears from the intoxicating effect of being plain stupid and drunk. Now, if you gentlemen don,t mind. Doc Holladay and I will join you for a game of patterns, cards, poker whatever you want to call it. Let’s all without any money betting help out poor Bo to learn this honest relaxing game. Shall we?” Replied Wyatt Earp calmly.

“Well, the first thing Bo and to the rest of you gentleman is to shuffle the cards well so that you get a good mixture within so that your chances of winning might favor you. Next thing you want to do is clockwise give each man a card going around 5 times till each man has 5 cards in his hands in the dealing by the dealer. You got that Bo?” Doc said patting Bo gently on the shoulder.

“Yes Sir, Mr. Holladay I gots dat in me head.” replied Bo.

“Okay Bo. Now you’re the dealer so shuffle the cards darn good and well till you get that feeling like an instant inspiration that you got a good mixture. Then let someone cut the deck in half and then you put the deck of cards back together Okay?” Doc said calmly then coughing aside into his handkerchief and gulping down a shot of whiskey.

“Yo alrights Mr. Holladay?” Bo said concerned.

“It’s just this darn cough, nothing to worry about Bo. So now just deal out the cards clockwise. One card to every player for five times Okay?” Doc said firmly.

“Okay I shuffled dem darn good Mr. Holladay wif insperacion and then I asked Billy to cut da cards and I puts da cards back to one piece and now I am dealing a card to every man clockwise five times.” Bo replied.

“You’re doing good Bo.” Doc took another shot of whiskey and coughed harshly.

“Now every man has got 5 cards in his hands. So the next step is to check your cards and see if you got a good hand like a pattern. Let’s say like 3 of a kind or 4 of a kind or say a 10, Jack, Queen…King and Ace. You can also have a pattern like all Hearts or all Diamonds and so forth. Bo can you understand what I mean?” Doc said to Bo.

“Yes em Sir Doc Holladay,I thinks I’m a getting da hang of dis card game.” Bo replied nervously.

“Okay! One man at a time. Throw down the cards you don’t want and Bo will give you gents the same amount of cards you threw away. Okay Bo you’re the dealer.” Doc said.

“I throws down 3 cards and give 3 new card Bo?” Jessup told Bo.

“Here a 3 cards fer you Jessup.” Bo said honestly.

“I ain’t gots nuffen here in dis hand Bo. I’m a gonna fold on this time.” Billy said kind of disappointed.

“Give me 4 cards Bo?” Hicks said slamming the cards down on the table.

“Yes sir-ree. 4 new cards for Mista Hicks.” Bo dealt out the cards.

“I will throw down 2 cards and give me 2 new ones please Bo?” Docs said kindly and gulped a shot of whiskey.

“Yeap, I gives yo 2 cards Doc Holladay and I throws me down 1 card and give me self 1 card.” Bo replied.

“Now! This is the moment where the tension builds up. Everyone eyeballing one another for who has the best hand except for Billy because he fold he is no longer in the game. So now Bo say to the gents, lay down what you got. Of course when you’re betting with money you can bluff the opponent. Say it Bo!” Doc winked at Bo.

“OK! Emm Jessup whats you gots?” Bo said to Jessup.

“I gots three of a kinds..kings Bo!” Exclaimed Jessup boldly.

“What yo gots Hicks. Lay em down fer da see.” Bo said.

“Well if’n we is playing fer money I ask you da show me yo cards ferst Bo. But since we not playing bets I might as do company wif a pair of duces Bo.” Hicks said disappointed.

“Well Bo I guess I fold. I don’t have a matching pattern of anything and this is the first time Bo.” Doc looked at Bo.

“Okidoki. I gots four of a kind..all Aces!” Bo exclaimed excitedly.

“I thinks Bo cheat he neva win!” Jessup said angrily.

“Jessup what wrong wif Bo…Doc yo thinks Bo cheatted?” Billy asked Doc Holladay.

“I thinks Bo either cheat or gots da hang of da game now!” Hicks exclaimed laughing.

“Does yo think I’m a cheat Doc Holladay?” Bo said bewildered and curiously sad.

“Oh! Why hecks no Bo. You won fair and square. I think you got the patterns down. Now that you know the patterns of cards in your head I bet you’re going to win every darn time over these gents cause person to person think they have been cheatting you for years…hahaha…” Doc began coughing harshly into his hankerchief and gulp some whiskey.

“Well I am mighty glad I stayed out of this game but I’m in for the next Poker game!” Exclaimed Wyatt Earp.

Meanwhile, Nicholis Earp came over to Wyatt Earp telling him that Desperado whose real name was Juan de Cortez, was galloping his horse straight inside the Wild Oats Saloon at full speed. Bat Masterson moved out of the way while Wyatt Earp sat in his chair with both his pistols drawn waiting for the moment while Nicholis Earp stood at his brothers side. Suddenly a huge horse blasted the doors apart as it entered the saloon. Desperado shot a few rounds from his pistol into the ceiling and then at that moment Wyatt Earp shot the horse dead in the saloon. As the horse fell over Desperado lost his balance fall on top of a table as his pistol fell out of his hand. Bat Masterson had a shotgun pointed at Desperados head and Wyatt Earp walked over to Desperado with Nicholis Earp and said to Desperado.

“Juan de Cortez! Why do you always come into my town, Tombstone and are desperate to cause me trouble. Last time you came through here. You were galloping at full speed drunk as a skunk shooting the dogs in Tombstone. Now you come busting into my saloon with a damn horse shooting your pistola into the ceiling. This saloon needs some repairing so you are going to jail and everyday you will work till this saloon is repaired. By the way your horse is dead. I shot it and I’m gonna have it dragged out of here and trade it to the Indians for free just to keep the peace. I think they kinda love the taste of horse meat and winter is comming. They could use the hide of your once galloping horse. Let’s go straight to jail. You know the law of Tombstone, no pistolas and we prefer gents, emm.” Wyatt Earp picked up Juan de Cortez and walked him into a jail cell and locked it.

“Okay! But someday ju gon to know why I am called Desparado, sabe Senor Wyatt Earp.” Desperado replied excessively staggering drunk.

“You need any help Wyatt.” Said Bat Masterson.

“No! Just get that damn dead horse out of the Wild Oats Saloon and give it to the Chief of the Indians, complaments of Sheriff Wyatt Earp and a crazy Mexican call Desperado.” Replied Wyatt Earp.

“Senor Earp ju gon to have to buy me new horse right?” Desperado said.

“You know I always thought that a real Desperado was a wild bandido robbing stage coaches, banks and all that gun fighting stuff. You got to stop calling yourself Desperado. Have you ever though about settling down in Tombstone and having a real job?” Wyatt said seriously.

“You pay me money for da real job. Wait! I am Desperado it’s my reputation. No! Okay maybe but what kind of job you give to me Senor Earp… serramente por favor?” Replied Desperado.

“Okay! You want to be tough. Then you be my assistant in the Sherriffs office…jail keeper watcher ahh patterns ahh doing cival community work and no more whiskey for you Mexican, just coffee like me. You become loco like Indian with firewater…now get in the jail cell and sleep it off. Me and Bat Masterson are going to the Indian Chief and skin your dead horse… buenas noches amigo.” Wyatt Earp said as he opened the door out of the office.

“Wait Senor Wyatt Earp. What is new job for Desparado called?” Juan de Cotez yelled from his cell.

“Think of it as many things ahh yeah many many ahh Patterns. That’s it! Patterns of a normal life and work.. patterns hemm.” Wyatt Earp shut the sherriffs office door and went to get the horse to give to Chief One Feather.


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